New products for 2019

New Products for 2019

Hoping to score at the club tonight? Be your sexy best with PubeEssence, a shampoo scientifically designed for shiny, glistening pubic hair. The most up-to-date genetic  research goes is in the formulation of our uniquely crafted product. PubeEssence is safe and comes in three fragrances: floral splash, spice jamboree and pheromone musk.

Try it today, and make it happen tonight.

Men, is your beard thin and wimpy when it should be lusty and full? Does it fail to express who you really are? Do women pass you by without a glance? Then you need BEAR. BEAR is a hormone-infused gel that stimulates beard growth and adds heft to your beard. Rub in the BEAR treatment daily and watch your beard swell with pride. BEAR comes in clear or color enhancing tints of ebony, Irish red, mahogany and wheat.

Since BEAR gel contains 15% testosterone, an added advantage is enhanced male performance.

A new day. A new Barbi. Yes, it’s Botox Barbie. With Botox Barbie young girls discover what celebrity is all about. Botox Barbi comes with a Breast Enhancement Kit, a set of Puffy Lips, a Kim Kardashian butt and a Botox Injection System. It’s hours of cosmetic surgery fun.

Men, it’s common knowledge that men with sculpted bodies are smarter, healthier and more admired in society. That’s why Dr. Manfred Malemon of the Dr. Manfred Malemon Cosmetic Surgery Center is now taking appointments for the male body enhancement procedures.

For the months of September and October, any pair of calf implants comes with one free pectoral enhancement or any pair of pectoral enhancements comes with one free calf implant. 

You’re a man. Life is all looks, and you deserve to look good. Call today 800-NEW-PECS for an initial consultation.

Conversation with myself

Me having a conversation with myself on climate change

You believe the science of climate change and that making some urgent changes is necessary.

Of course, I do.

Then why aren’t you riding public transit and scaling down to one car?

I can’t because I need a car to do what I need to do.

Maybe a bike. Others do it. It’d be healthier.

I did that a lot when I was younger.

I’m sure there’s something you can do if you feel strongly about this issue. Look at it this way. Americans are 5% of the world’s population consuming 20% of the world’s resources. What if everyone in the world (like those who live on $2 a day) lived the American lifestyle? There would be no world left.

Damn you, now I’m feeling guilty. I do a good job of saving water and recycling plastic and food waste. Can I at least pat myself on the shoulder for that?

Hell no. That’s the minimum that anyone could do. Ask yourself this. How many of your plastic straws, cups, plates and utensils are in the bellies of whales right now? You don’t even remember to bring reusable bags to Kroger when you shop. It’s your need for convenience.

All right, I admit that I’m too spoiled and lazy, dammit. I guess if saving the world is up to “concerned” people like me, who are mostly sitting on our asses, then the end is near.

I’m not going to let you off that easy. We’ll talk again.

Jesus here

If Jesus were here, now, He would be a Democrat.

But Jesus is here now in every Christian. And in those rabid Christian Trump followers, He’s being crucified.

Trump ABC's

Donald Trump ABC’s

A is for arrogant

B is for bully

C is for corrupt

D is for devious

E is for egotist

F is for feckless

G is for grabber

H is for hedonist

I is for incompetent

J is for jackass

K is for kook

L is for liar

M is for monomaniac

Nis for narcissist

O is for odious

P is for pig-headed

Q is for quack

R is for racist

S is for slimy

T is for toxic

U is for uncompromising

V is for vain

W is for weak-kneed

X is for xenophobe

Y is for yuck

Z is for zero

ASS

Some recent research results from the American Society for Statistics (ASS)

21% of Americans over 30 have a body type that would qualify them to be a Japanese sumo wrestler.

After a hard day’s work, 67% of porn stars relax by baking cookies.

On average, lingerie models make 3 times as much as the average K-12 teacher.

For wealthy men, the number of billions has a direct correlation to the number of mistresses.

The average woman uses 382 pounds of makeup in a lifetime.

The average male acts like a juvenile during 39% of his adult life.

18% of Americans get their daily nutritional allotment from the food sampling stations at Costco.