Dear Dr. Advice

Dear Dr. Advice,

I think I have the corona virus. My mother told me that I should wear clean underwear if I might go to the hospital. The problem is I only wear thongs--red or black. Can I just go ahead and wear a thong?

Wrong with a Thong

Dear Wrong with a Thong,

Yes. Yes. Yes. Wear it. Red makes a fiery impression, and black is more classic. You choose the statement you want to make. And the fact is, the corona care providers deserve any little treat they can get.

Dear Dr. Advice,

While I have been the best ever at handling the worst thing that has ever happened to America, I am not getting the praise I need to keep me from breaking down in front of my wife. She will not let me cry on any of her designer outfits. I am desperate since it is very hard for me to pretend to be nice. Who can I turn to for help?

Donald Trump, Best Ever US President So Far

Dear Donald Trump, Best Ever US President So Far,

Some names that come to mind are: Franklin Graham, Dr. Phil, a support group made up of all the anchors of Fox News, a séance to get advice from Rush Limbaugh, Melania’s hairdresser. I’ll keep thinking and get back to you.

Dear Dr. Advice,

Has the White House issued any guidelines for having sex during the COVID pandemic?

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Recent laboratory studies have shown that corona droplets can be ejected more than 300 ft. during a good orgasm. So the White House advises keeping your mouth shut and wearing a mask and latex gloves during sex. It should be noted that the President himself has said he will not do this. Good luck and stay safe.