Dear Dr. Advice

Dear Dr. Advice,

I like to knit…obsessively. During this COVID lock down, I have covered half the house in knitting, including my husband and two children. How can I mediate my obsessive knitting?

Knit Nut

Dear Knit Nut,

Knit some faux-PPE wear for the President, Vice-President and his cabinet and send it to them to wear during the White House briefings. Also a lovely hot pink one for Mitch McConnell would be nice.

Dear Dr. Advice,

My husband is off from work because of COVID-19. He refuses to bathe, but he still wants to have sex. How should I handle this situation?

Sex Stinks

Dear Sex Stinks,

Your husband is not a considerate man. My suggestion is to give him a good dousing with Febreeze and stick a scented candle up his ass. Let me know how this goes.

Dear Dr. Advice,

During this lock down on my street, families have put together concerts, dance parties and parades. As a visual artist, I was thinking about making small paintings of sunsets over barns for neighbors to cheer them up. What do you think of this idea?

Frustrated Artist

Dear Frustrated Artist,

Certainly your heart is in the right place. But in place of a sunset over a barn, may I suggest a painting of Jesus stomping the hell out of a corona virus?