Dear Mr. Manliness

Dear Mr. Manliness,
I recently shot a moose, but I am not sure that makes me enough of a man. I am thinking about going after a rhino. What do you think?
--Lovin' the NRA

Dear Lovin' the NRA,
Only dickheads shoot rhinos. They are an endangered species. Try shooting a half dozen morbidly obese Americans. That would help evolution more.
--Mr. Manliness


Dear Mr. Manliness,
I've stared to wear Calvin Klein thong underwear to help me fee more secure with women, but I keep thinking they are staring at me behind my back. What should I do?
--Thong Thing

Dear Thong Thing,
When men who wear regular underwear and bend over, these days they display their buttcracks with varying degrees of sexual success. However, thongs cling tightly in the same situation and present mixed messages, often hilarious. Change the underwear fast.
--Mr. Manliness


Dear Mr. Manliness,
In gatherings of men, they mostly want to talk about sports and home improvement projects. I'm more interested in Higgs bosons and Italian leather shoes. Am I gay or just a nerd?
--Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,
Both. Obviously.
--Mr. Manliness


Dear Mr. Manliness,
I have always been insecure about my manliness. Is there an international standard measuring and comparing the size of the erect penis.
--Holding my own

Dear Holding my own,
Funny you should ask. Recent research has determined that erections depend on several variables: context, body temperature, light, ambient air temperature, blood pressure and whether the erection is natural or part of a doping regimen. In July, 2016 in Paris, an international conference will convene to consider this research and derive an international standard. Results are anticipated in January, 2017.
--Mr. Manliness