Breaking news

 Breaking News

 

Donald Trump, our President, took a minute to use the bathroom next to the Oval Office. From photos at the golf course, we know the size of his posterior. Well, on this bathroom visit the Trump rump got stuck.

 

In a moment of panic he ran through his options for help. Secret service, no. Ben Carson, no. Mike Pence or Mike Pompeo. Maybe Betsy DeVos. He decided on Mike Pompeo since the same thing had happened to Mike and the Donald came to his rescue.

 

In the middle of this panic, the President pushed nuclear strike button instead of the emergency help button. Fortunately and serendipitously, Putin and Xi were both in the bathroom as well. The failsafe mechanism clicked in and all was okay.

 

Now Trump had to find a scapegoat for the fiasco. He settled on Homeland Security, saying they had not installed the Model 1463 XXXL Presidential Potty Ejector Seat he had long ago requested.

 

In a follow up interview with Martha Raditz, Trump said that things worked out very well. Very well. Perfectly, in face. His only regret was that the crowds were not larger to witness it.

Vocabulary for DT

 Donald Trump’s behavior and character are beyond any current vocabulary to describe them. So I am inventing some new word for your using pleasure.

 

Despicalicious

 

Nastispicable

 

Scumdidumbable

 

Crapacious

 

Nauseopustule

 

Narcissiviscious

 

Disassassasstrous

 

Liasaurus

 

Rodentacious

 

Dicktatertot

 

Mememememeany

 

Bumblelarious

 

Boobolodingularious

Democracy

 No. It’s not the legislature. It’s not the judiciary. It’s not the press. It’s you and me. We are the ones who determine the fate of democracy. How we vote. How we educate ourselves. Our values. Our actions.

 

If we look at countries across the world, we recognize that a vital democracy is much more fragile than we realized. Democracy can’t be sustained in a society that is flabby, complacent and uninformed. The cracks in American democracy are becoming apparent, and authoritarianism is on the rise globally.

 

We must all be actively vigilant to ensure that American democracy endures. It’s our job. Freedom doesn’t come cheap or easy, and this is how we earn it.

COVID lockdown

 Why should I be anxious about the COVID lockdown?

I get a TV visit from Joe Namath at least 30 times a day.

I get my free booklet on mesothelioma.

I dream that Kelly Clarkson may suddenly appear in my kitchen.

I can buy hundreds of useful gadgets with free shipping and a second one at no additional cost.

I have at hand a law firm for every possible disease and vehicle crash.

I can wear the best, most breathable and flattering underwear.

I can choose between so many car insurance companies, all saving me the most money.

I can grow esteem-boosting hair without leaving my couch.

I can buy a new car online without ever leaving home.

I have the time at home to rejuvenate my skin, eyelids and eyebrows.

I can make a statement with my chin.

I can learn to call all the illnesses and medical conditions by their nicknames.

Even after COVID subsides, I may never go out again.

Donald Jr.

 Yesterday was a special day for me. I got a letter from Donald Trump, Jr. In it, he called me a patriot and warned me about the massive amount of grabbing going on. I was terribly anxious until I read further that it was all due to the Democrats and that Dad would save me and the country from them.

 

Junior also included a lovely wallet-sized photo of himself with his manly and self-assured beard. I was particularly impressed that he took time out from killing endangered species to write to me.

 

Maybe you were lucky to get this letter too. I hope so.

Civilization

 When I was beginning my education, indigenous peoples were thought of as savage and primitive. Because their numbers were small, their cultures were built on simple hierarchies, workable social structures, shared duties and productive collaboration. They were considered godless, but had gods that served them well and kept them connected to nature, even finding sprit in all of creation.

 

As “civilization” arose and developed, civilized cultures evolved complex hierarchies, social, legal and economic structures built on domination and class. People were enslaved in all kinds of ways. Religion put God to work in all kinds of nefarious ways, and God become more and more distant from nature as nature became more and more distant from the everyday lives of people.

 

While the arts and sciences became the glory of civilization, society became more and more brutal and violent. Indigenous peoples today would surely think of modern civilization as savage, primitive and godless, with spirit being sucked from nature.

Trump limericks

I’m Trump and the expert on all

I’m perfect, a man on the ball

My crowds are immense

My perceptions are dense

I’m mighty and won’t ever fall.

 

I’m Trump and I lie like a champ

As a kid, I went to lie making camp

From out of my mouth and my ass

They explode just like gas

And I deliver them till my face starts to cramp

 

I’m Trump, in my mind a dictator

And I’ll get there sooner or later

Putin and Xi

Are models for me

Their methods are something I cater

 

I’m Trump and I golf like a pro

On my course at Mar-a-Lago

My swing is first class

With the thrust of my ass

And down the fairway I go

 

I’m Trump the inventor of MAGA

And I write the American saga

It’s all about me

Who else could it be

Over me my sycophants go gaga

 

I’m Trump and I have the right place

To perfectly memorialize my face

Those four famous men

Anticipate when

My glorious head takes its space