Jesus today

 If Jesus was here today, he would, of course, be a teacher and a revolutionary. No one would recognize him because he would look quite normal, maybe even a little shabby. As expected, he would befriend the down-and-out. This time around, he would choose to appear as a black man with a beard and a modest afro. He would probably defer on miracles, choosing to show folks how miraculous the world is when you choose to love.

At first, he thought about choosing his disciples from the rappers, but in the end he selected 6 married couple immigrants from the Texas border. His Sermon on the Mount II was not so well-attended because everybody was at a Taylor Swift concert or a playoff game. He had a podcast in which he straightened out Gregg Abbott, Ron de Santis and Donald Trump. He was invited to a drag queen show and went. He thoroughly enjoyed it.
He was not crucified, but was assassinated by a fanatic in a drive-by shooting.