God had a dream

 God had a dream. In his dream, he imagined he had taken all the evil out of the world so humans could get a fresh start. When he awoke, he remembered the Garden of Eden, the apple and the venomous serpent. He paced up and down, causing a rumble in heaven. Unanswered prayers piled up at his feet. He thought…evil…vile…live. Then he thought, “Maybe I’ll let a climate apocalypse of their own making do the job for me.”

Creation

 

A child

 A child…

Is fascinated by a bug

Imagines a stick into 100 different things

Likes to roll in the grass

Searches for creatures in the clouds

Asks questions about the world 

Plays in the sand

Plays for the joy of play

Will always take a hug

Believes in magic

So why do these disappear so easily in adulthood?

Fuctionary

 For those of you who want to expand your fuckabulary, it’s time again to update the fuctionary.

Fackathalon—sex employing at least 10 different positions

Fuckathon—in bed for 24 hours to raise money for your favorite charity

Fucovid-19—a sexually transmitted virus

Fuckonomics—the study of the financial impact of the commercial sex trade

Fuckulista—someone who uses sex as a weapon

Fucklioconditis—a debilitating disease that comes from too much sexual activity

Fuckmouth—someone who can’t make a sentence without the word “fuck” in it

Pofucketry—poetry that uses the word fuck

Flucky—got lucky on the first date

Imagine this

 Imagine this:

Mitch McConnell in a pair of Calvin Kline underwear

A group meeting of the KKK where all are wearing paisley hoods and cloaks

A funeral at a nudist camp

Donald Trump cuffed on his ankles and behind his back

Melania shopping at a thrift store

Your favorite movie star lying next to you in bed

You and your 100 closest friends sailing on Queen Elizabeth’s royal yacht 

A war fought where all combatants are wearing Speedos

Nobody watched the Olympics because they were all watching the latest seminar on particle physics.

2050

 My predictions for 2050:

Underground bunkers will sell for more than estates and castles.

There will be mostly electric vehicles on the road, creating many square miles of junk yards full of old gas-powered cars.

Gene manipulation for designer children will be popular.

Most countries on earth will be ruled by authoritarian governments or dictatorships.

So much money will be concentrated in the hands of a few uber billionaires that it will be impossible for anyone to get out of the middle class.

All the world’s religions will consolidate just to survive.

Pornography will be included in the Academy Awards.

90% of Americans will be morbidly obese.

Marijuana breaks will replace coffee breaks at the office.

Most people will still be paying off their college debt.

Because of total ineffectiveness, Congress will call for the first Constitutional Convention since 1776.

Climate change will cause half the world’s population to be refugees.

Artists will save the world.

Marriage between races will have wiped out the whole notion of race.

The notions of marriage and  family will not even be recognizable any more.

Olympic nostalgia

 Olympic nostalgia

Is it true that Zeus and Hera used to play badminton and ping pong on Mt. Olympus? That the sea nymphs actually were the first to do artistic swimming? That Mercury used to skateboard to the local 7/11 to pick up some ambrosia? That Zeus came down to earth as a swan and challenged any able-bodied man in taekwando? That Athens never beat Sparta in water polo? That the Greek men could compete naked but the Greek women had to wear bikini bottoms?