New medical discoveries

Scientists have long known that many Americans suffer from the painful and unattractive disease  called stupidity. Many don't recognize the symptoms of this dangerous problem early if life or ever. Scientists have now perfected the iQ, or ignorance quotient. They used advanced mathematical formulas based on education level, book and movie preferences and the location of the navel in relation to the edges of outer garments and other relevant factors to arrive at the iQ. Clinical trials have proven the iQ to be a reliable predictor.

Psychologists, over the last 5 years, have clinically tested a new measure of longevity. Called FQ, or fuck quotient, this measure quantifies the number of times an individual uses the word fuck or a derivative of fuck in a specified amount of time. The higher the FQ, the more likely the person is to die an early death, even up to 15 years earlier than normal. Forms of death appear to be lung cancer, alcoholism, murder, vehicle accidents and accidental self-inflicted wounds.

A new discovery levels the playing field for men. PMS (penile madness syndrome), colloquially called horniness has been scientifically proven to be a form of temporary insanity. Dr. Emil Steinmetz, head of the research team which made this discovery, said the following in a recent interview, "The higher functioning parts of the brain shut down during PMS, and the lower functions of the brain move elsewhere. And, of course, the old definition of insanity becomes relevant: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."