Jesus Ascends

Jesus Ascends

News outlets report that Jesus’ Love tour was a resounding success. There were large crowds across the globe with high security due to all who wanted to touch his garments. There were no instances of “the loaves and fishes,” but all concessions were sold at cost to attendees and all servers were paid decent and fair wages. Characteristically, Jesus chased all money changers and souvenir vendors away from the sacred stadiums.

There was no smoke and no fireworks and no big screens. Jesus spoke of love and promised no miracles. He said that the true miracle would be if people actually learned to love one another. He also said that, considering what has occurred since his last visit, he would probably have to return a lot more times to get the job done.

He was last sighted atop the largest skyscraper in Indonesia, slowly ascending into the clouds.

Recent headlines in the Jesus story

Recent headlines in the Jesus story:

EVANGELICALS REJECT JESUS, SAYING HE’S NOT WHITE ENOUGH

JESUS OFFERED SIX FIGURES TO CONSULT ON NEW VERSION OF “JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR”

JESUS STOPPED AND FRISKED AS “SUSPICIOUS LOOKING”

JESUS REJECTS STORMY DANIELS AS MARY MAGDELENE REPLACEMENT

PEPSI OFFERS TO SPONSOR SECOND COMING LOVE TOUR

Continuing news

IN CONTINUING NEWS;

Jesus has left the Midwest, traveling in Amish buggies, Greyhound buses and on foot. While he was resting overnight at a farmhouse in Arkansas, he gave a brief interview.

Current plans for the World Tour will take him to Jerusalem, Nazareth and Cairo, where he will visit some places from his youth. He will also include Rome, London, Nairobi, Oslo, Moscow, Tokyo and San Francisco. He revealed that this time he would not be crucified.

Journalists were not able to confirm or deny the nail marks in his hands and feet. No miracles were recorded, but several people claimed a sudden sense of calm and the capacity for deep love.

One journalist snarkily asked Jesus if he ever allowed his image to appear on a piece of toast.

The Second Coming

BREAKING NEWS

It has been confirmed that the Second Coming is happening. Jesus has appeared on Earth. Rumors that he rushed out to by a 72” TV and is living in Trump Tower are false. In fact, he is living and eating at homeless shelters and shopping at thrift stores.

Mary and Joseph did not accompany him, but some of the apostles have arrived to help with social media and the planning of his first world tour. He has not explained why he landed in America as opposed to the Middle East.

In his first interview, he had some good things to say about Pope Francis but lambasted autocrats, plutocrats, despots, thugs and most Republicans.

He was not initially recognized because he didn’t look at all like any of his pictures. He did make a splash by cleaning up a toxic dump with a wave of his hands. Asked what he liked about the 21st century, he said, “Strong women and men who truly love their children.”

STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS.

Big college basketball

The future of big college basketball

In the future, the big basketball powers will have paid players, who sign for bonuses, percentage of ticket sales and percentages of merchandise sales. After the first year of play, those who remain with the team and play well will have their choice of a personal escort from a university-owned escort service.

Coaches will be billionaires and will serve as both coach and president of the university. Basketball stadiums will be state-of-the-art with smoke, fireworks, discos and full-service booze. All the cheerleaders will be personal escorts.

The NCAA will be given the task of hiring adjunct professors to teach special courses open only to basketball players in which A’s will be guaranteed all around. Majors in history, languages, philosophy, anthropology, sociology and art history will be replaced with majors in sports history, sports management, sports marketing, sports medicine, sports education, sports fashion, sports psychology and sportsmanship.

Work holidays will be granted at full pay, and every office will be required to have an office pool. To not participate will be social suicide.

Basketball America will finally be great again.

Jesus

We must remember that Jesus was a brown-skinned Middle Eastern Jew who defied the power structure of the Romans and the Pharisees (a terrorist?). He grew up in the household of a carpenter. He lived and chose his lieutenants from among the common folk. 

Whether he was divine or not is less important than that he lived among and understood human beings with wisdom beyond his age. Independent of issues of resurrection and redemption, he left enduring lessons of the importance of love and the difficulty and rewards of loving.

Did he know that his teachings would fragment into Catholics, Protestants, Calvinists, Lutherans, Baptists, storefront churches and on and on? And that they would come to mistrust and even hate one another? Did he know that dogma would obscure true human need? Did he know that some would claim to be “the one true’” or “the chosen”? Did he know that church would become mega church and mega bureaucracy? 

I don’t know the answers. But I do think he knew that the love he taught could not be extinguished, and that that’s where the divine and the human meet.

He is risen

He is risen.

To the believer this is truth and faith.
To the skeptic this is business as usual.
To other religious this is empathy.
To the Jew this is still uncertainty.
To the mythologist this is the power of symbol and metaphor.
To the child this is waiting for the egg hunt.
To some men this is placating the wife.
To the down-and-out this is hope.
To some this is the beauty of ritual.
To the lost this is a road to salvation.
To all who seek there is meaning to be mined.